12 Van Halen Studio Albums You Should NEVER Listen To
-Len Ellison Jr.
The legendary rock band ‘Van Halen’ have been a staple of the music industry since their first studio album in 1978 was released to the public on Warner Bros. Records. Through over 40 years in the music business, ‘Van Halen’ has had its ups and downs - its successes and its failures - and its share of controversy. Over the last 2 years, we sent our crack team of article writers out to poll crowds of well over 1.5 million people on their tastes, likes, and dislikes of all popular music over the last 60 years of recorded music industry. After all was said and done - and the data was at our fingertips, we were able to compile a shockingly unanimous list of the top 12 Van Halen studio albums you should NEVER listen to.
Van Halen (1978)
Van Halen’s first album features many of their larger radio hits including ‘Runnin’ With The Devil’, ‘You Really Got Me’, and ‘Jamie’s Cryin’. So if that isn’t reason enough to steer clear of this record, I don’t know what is. Its all down hill from here folks!
Van Halen II (1979)
Van Halen II was the bands second studio album. Obviously these guys thought they were Led Zeppelin or something by numbering their albums…but the lack of creativity didn’t stop there! I can’t tell you any of the songs on this album. I guess they shouldn’t have assigned me to write ‘a Van Halen article’
Women & Children First (1980)
Van Halen’s 3rd studio album with the title ‘Women & Children First’ suggests that this band is either the Titanic and sinking fast due to a lack of songs on this album that matter to the general public - OR something else…
Fair Warning (1981)
The last few clunkers the band put out really made audiences nervous for each subsequent release. Their 4th album is thus titled ‘Fair Warning’ not as a creative measure, but as a literal warning that seems to say; ‘The songs in this aren’t good, we are letting you know this beforehand’. Needless to say - no hits came from this album.
Diver Down (1982)
They finally got the message: we can’t write songs. So 5 of these songs aren’t their own and the mighty Van Halen reached the heights of the billboard top 80 once again with their version of ‘Oh! Pretty Woman’.
1984 (1984)
Finally, Van Halen took more than a year to make a record that actually had hits on it. ‘Jump’, ‘Hot For Teacher’, and ‘Panama’ would become large charting singles for the group. I would still advise staying away from this album as punishment for the previous several, but if you must listen to the hits from this record PLEASE don’t look like you’re enjoying them. Roll your eyes, make a ‘ugh’ type sound - don’t give people the satisfaction of saying you enjoy what happened here.
5150 (1986)
5150 is one of those albums that LOOKS like it should be triumphant. However, I would argue that this record would be best as a chip or snack bowl. You can search ‘chip bowl vinyl’ on YouTube.com to find out how to do this. This is the first album with Sammy Hagar
OU812 (1988)
I can’t.
For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (1991)
You’d think if they had access to all of this unlawful carnal knowledge that they’d be able to write a song?
Balance (1995)
Van Halen decided to release this album - the 4th of 4 to feature Sammy Hagar in 1995. Thats right, while the geniuses at Pixar were making and premiering the masterpiece that was ‘Toy Story’ which would change the world of animation and filmmaking, Van Halen was making this future coaster to protect our coffee tables from getting stained.
Van Halen III (1998)
Did they think a III would really rev up the fan base? Imagine thinking the title system was what was wrong with your last many albums? - no no - it wasn’t that you got some guy named ‘Gary’ to be the lead singer after Hagar finally realized bottling tequila was a more emotionally fulfilling journey than playing music with Van Halen…no no…couldn’t be that….let’s go back to the number system.
A Different Kind Of Truth (2012)
Many great music scholars have said ‘being a great musician …is not about the notes you play - but the space you place between them’ - and that couldn’t be more true for the godsend that Van Halen delivered us by NOT releasing an album between 1998 and 2012. Sadly, this era of silence from the band (arugably their most enjoyable and musical) ended with the return of David Lee Roth to the fold for ‘A Different Kind Of Truth’. Go look up the main single from this album, it features the phrase ‘Sexy Dragon Magic’. I am so incredibly happy to be done with this article.
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ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTOR, Len Ellison Jr.
I have been writing music editorial articles for around 40 years now; first with CashBox, later with The Village Voice, and finally with The New York Herald Tribune. Last year, I became an editorial and copy contributor to His Master’s Voice/The Voice Of The Victor. My articles are occasionally disgruntled and bitter, but for the most part i’m a nice guy that enjoys my time with my dogs and my children who are (admittedly) ungrateful.